Dear Valued Customer:

If you’re receiving this email, it’s because you dined at one of our franchises in 2015, learned that if you signed up for our mobile app you could get a coupon for $1 off mozzarella sticks, and you were the one at the table that drew the short straw and had to download it.

Like many of you, we have been following with great concern the progression of COVID-19, also known as coronavirus or, for those of you in the Bible Belt, the China virus. Last week, we emailed you to brag about our new and comprehensive cleaning standards, which probably made you pause for a moment to wonder how comprehensive they were before. Don’t overthink it. Just know that we now have hand sanitizer available for our workers and customers, and we have also gone the extra mile to hastily print and tape up “EMPLOYES MUST WASH HANDS” signs in our bathrooms. The typo proves how quickly we wanted to implement this innovative policy.

We understand the need for normalcy during these troubled times, and that’s why I want to assure our customers that our overly greasy food is still available for pick-up and delivery. You can order by phone, online, or on our mobile app that you probably deleted immediately after leaving our restaurant that fateful day in 2015. We also accept orders via carrier pigeons and bats.

The safety of our customers and employees is of the utmost concern for us. Again, let me reiterate the hand sanitizer thing. We’re also implementing “contact-free delivery,” in which you will receive a text message when your order arrives, at which point you can open your window and the driver will throw your food inside. If you live above the second floor, your meal will be dispensed through one of the t-shirt cannons used in our 2018 “Extreme Pizza Eating” ad campaign. The cannons have been collecting dust in one of our foreign warehouses since then—I’m gonna level with you and say it was Italy—but not to worry. We cleaned them with a whole buttload of hand sanitizer.

We will continue to monitor the situation and follow the guidelines of the WHO, CDC, and our line cook Tim who claims to have an inside source who “will know 48 hours before anyone else” when restrictions will be lifted. When that day comes, we look forward to resuming service for dine-in customers and going back to our less comprehensive cleaning methods.

Sincerely,
The CEO Who Has Never Stepped Foot Inside This Chain Restaurant